Reminiscing
Hey everyone, its been awhile.
I've been in a pretty bad state mentally and art quickly became as empty as everything else had to me. I've come to terms with my severe PTSD thats come as a result of my life, the entirety of it. Its odd to accept it that way. My pain is my responsibility now, I'm alone and thats okay.
I've been reminiscing about my previous dA account, the old youtube days, my old internet friends. I realize I fell into my depression with such weight that I didn't even notice I couldn't keep in contact with anyone, I couldn't take care of myself and I wasn't even allowed to anyway. I've come out of it all still a person which is enough for me for now.
As far as art goes, I feel its where I can turn to. Habitually and professionally. Everytime I've been near success I push myself to fall, I find positive attention humiliating; like somehow underlying what someone is saying is the opposite. I also feel humiliated when I drink water in front of people. I understand these feelings are irrational but its a near bizarrely huge bump to get over. I have slowly been letting things eat at me because I fear the opposite of being alone, each time its been false. I'd be content with nothing at all if I had someone by my side to be with me with honesty.
Thats life I guess.
I hope the best for you all, that you're doing well or on a path towards doing well. I sometimes wish I knew where my old internet friends had gone but things and people come and go.
I see my family and feel simply like... they aren't my family. Arts always been what I had, I found and did it everywhere in all ways I could. What happened to that person?
I've been going back to the only time in my life where I can feel happy and positive. Particular songs, speedpaints, characters, drawings, people, just young and having fun- truly escaping into the social internet, previously I had just seen videos, used game sites, etc. its all I had when I was little. Internet addiction has become a problem for me because its been the majority of what I take part in. I wasn't allowed to go to school some days, nor leave my room.
So here we are. These few songs, silly as it is really bring me to a time. A time where I wanted, where I cared, shared, where I did or said anything at all. I'm content to keep to myself but it got to a point where I became nobody. A husk of a person, so empty that drawing felt foreign. Something I'd done since I could, something I excelled at suddenly fell through my fingers.
I was really good and for whatever reason I only showed doodles, sketches, things I considered poor. What did I care? It wasn't fun anymore.
I knew then but I accept now that a lot of people are assholes with their own problems but I don't have to put up with each and everything people throw at me. I'm human too and I've always wanted the best of acceptance and life for everybody, I'm now a part of everybody.
My self-loathing is out of control but at least I can see why.
Maybe I'll begin posting again once I can force myself to, once I have something to take pictures with. Maybe I've just lost this part of me forever. I should look forward to a tomorrow but I just dread it entirely, another tomorrow. Its gonna come, when won't it? Am I scared of how and when? Am I chasing something shallow? I don't know anymore.
God, this world.
Take care, in all the good and bad times.